Vanity Coffee Smackdown

For some reason, I am much more weirded out that David Lynch has his own brand of coffee than I am by the KISS brand. After all, we expect rampant unchecked commercialism from the Kings of the Nighttime Marketing Deal. I'd be less surprised if Lynch came out with his own brand of Quinoa, but coffee?

Neither camp seems to have bent over backwards to track down the finest richest gourmet blend available, and I suspect that people who buy these coffees are obtaining them more as novelties and collector's items than a living, breathing, thriving brand name that could ever compete with Starbucks.

Having said that, the Transylvania Gentlemen taste test finds the KISS "Black Diamond" to be surprisingly good. A rich taste for a pre-ground coffee, and packs more of a caffeine wallop than you might expect. (Makes me want to try their "Mr.Speed" hyperbuzz coffee next.) Mr. Lynch's offering, however, is epic fail. As soon as you open the can and take a look at it, you're reminded of those light brown coarsely ground old-people coffees like Folgers and JFG. Sure enough, the resultant concoction was just about what you might expect at a Bob Evans. Feh.

The biggest problem is that neither Simmons nor Lynch are offering their wares whole-bean. (Since they're both blended coffees, of course, that would present a problem.) Call me a snob (I am) but life's too short to drink pre-ground coffee at home.

- - JSH