Ve-loss-ity

I don't actually read Louisville's free paper Velocity much - not even when I'm being written about in it myself, or if I've written something in it for them. Honestly, the lowest-common-denominator level of most of its content is staggering to me. I can feel my I.Q. dropping just by picking it up and looking at it.

(Think I'm exagerrating? The current issue devotes many pages to simplistic "features" on poker, cornhole, darts, billiards, foosball and "beer pong", but says practically nothing about any of them that a child doesn't already know. But of course, these features, like virtually every sentence Velocity prints, seem to have a not-so-hidden agenda to name-drop some specific bar or business.)

But the actual "bar guide" itself is so jaw-droppingly dumb that I felt moved to speak on it here today. (Apologies if it's always been this dumb for years, but like I say, I don't actually read the magazine in question.) It consists of a series of capsule listings of bars in Louisville, with some of the most ridiculous descriptions I've ever heard. Rarely more than a sentence is allocated to each, but even in that mega-brief space, the writers seem to be having great difficulty trying to find something to say.

Consider their description of Club Oasis: "Get ready to put that body into motion at one of the danciest clubs in Louisville."

Or Champions: "If you're looking for a sports bar where they really take sports seriously, Champions will meet your needs."

You didn't really go to these places, did you, anonymous uncredited writer? Come on. Fess up.

How about the Blakean majesty of their description of Fibber McGee's: "Fibber's is a small neighborhood bar frequented by friendly regulars." And Hikes Point Lounge: "A neighborhood bar in the heart of Hikes Point."

Gosh.

Their report on River Bend Winery reads more like a fortune cookie: "Nothing is better after a long day at work like a nice glass of wine." It even has fortune-cookie-like mangled grammar.

Now I'm not saying these entries should read like War & Peace, but come on people, I could find something unique, interesting and special to say about each and every one of Louisville's watering holes. Of course, it would take a little effort, creativity, and initiative; things that are obviously in short supply at the Courier-Journal's effort to compete with LEO in the already-dead hipster-free-weekly genre. (For the record, I don't read LEO anymore either.)

- - JSH