Had to go to court today. The judge said "You've been brought here for drinking." I pulled out my hip flask and said "Hell yeah! Let's get to it!"
Fries: "Hey Cheeseburger, what's your opinion of Red China?"
Cheeseburger: "Well, I reckon it's alright long as it don't clash with the tablecloth."
I drive my mother-in-law to Florida every winter. But she keeps finding her way back.
A bum asked me for a dollar. I said "no, you're going to spend it on booze." He replied, "but so are you, aren't you?" He had me there. I gave him two bucks.
Cheeseburger: "My dog is a Carpenter dog."
Fries: "Never heerd of such a thing."
Cheeseburger: "Just last night he made a bolt for the door."
My ex-wife called me and said "if you could know the exact time you were going to die, and the exact way it would happen, would you want to know?" I said no. She said "never mind then" and hung up.
Cheeseburger: I go through two packs a day.
Fries: Dude. I go through two lighters a day.
I hardly slept last night because this girl kept beating on the door. Eventually I let her out.
I was at Keeneland yesterday. Bet on a horse so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Cheeseburger: "I heard you said my girlfriend was fastidious."
Fries: "Naw, I said she was fast and hideous."
I used to have a video store that specialized in videos that were hard to find. Nothing was alphabetized.
Fries: I used to drink a lot.
Cheeseburger: you still do.
Fries: Yeah, but I used to, too.
Back in the good old days, when someone got lost in the woods, they just said "fuck it, I'll just build a log cabin. Now I live here. Now I'm not lost." That's how Kentucky started.
Cheeseburger: I can see the writing on the wall.
Fries: You must be in the toilet.
- - JSH
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