Friday, October 22, 2010

Coat of Many Crackers

Chilly weather is upon us, and I ain't squawkin'. I actually like cold weather, and am especially pleased that it's time to dig out my long black "Dr. Bill" overcoat (so named because I've always admired the one that Dr. Bill wears in the Kubrick masterpiece Eyes Wide Shut.)

I don't really dig summer menswear, because it's too darn hot to get bedecked in anything really dapper. (I don't know how Colonel Sanders could stand it, always walking around in a full suit with vest and high starched collar. At least it was a white suit.) And most important of all, my winter coat gives me a place to put all my stuff.

As previously noted here, a Transylvania Gentleman needs a lot of pockets to hold all the crap that is necessitated by his swingin' rounder lifestyle. There are several hidden inner pockets in my specially-modified coat that, like Batman's utility belt, enables me to whip out just what I need when I need it. My Dr. Bill coat pocket system goes like this:

* Left side inner pocket #1: wallet.

* Left side inner pocket #2: business cards that give only my email address (for the average acquaintance).

* Right side inner pocket #1: snuff and snacks (crackers, cookies, breath mints)

* Right side inner pocket #2: business cards with my phone number (for those super-special people - y'know, like you.)

* Left outer pocket - cellphone, receipts that I absent-mindedly pocket and never look at again.

* Right outer pocket - keys, loose coins.

Additionally, I keep matches and lighters in every one of those pockets, ensuring that one will be always be instantly handy to light the Luckys of lasses. Cigars, if they're small, I often keep in my button-down shirt's breast pocket, but if they're large or in a metal tube, they go in the snack-cracker pocket.

Still more tiny hidden coat pockets contain classified James Bond kinda things that you don't need to know about. You know, next-generation nanotech girl detectors and such.

Keys and flashdrives may sometimes go in my right-hand pants pocket. Hip flask, if I'm packin' such, goes in the left front pants pocket. (I never put anything in my rear pants pockets.)

My camera case, which rarely leaves my side, also is a handy repository for other auxilliary junk. There's a shot glass, a deck of cards, and other such "you never know when you might need it" items.

Now, dear reader, you should be fully briefed on how to mug me. Be seeing you.

- - JSH

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